It's been nearly a week since I had finally decided to leave. The 31st is steadily approaching fast, and I am anxious to get moved in and have my own retreat.
Not stating I don't appreciate all the help my friends have been giving me, just a part of me feels so very lost and very alone amongest the entirety of it all. I am told I have made a good decesion for myself and my daughter, just that void inside me has become larger and has grown into melanchonly. Some days I feel like screaming and demanding why I am going through this situation, then other times become so angry that I am so numb and cold to things, and it feels like I have no control in the situation.
I've also realized I have been so extremely envious over others for their happiness and wonder why that it can not work for me? I did try, Gods, I really tried to have things work out.
I'm at work right now, and it's a constant battle to keep the "face of strength" when deep down I feel like crying my ears out and just tear out my heart and just toss it away because it already feels like it's been torn out and thrown away.

I'm watching others becoming interested into others and the feeling is recriprocated to the other, and I actually become angry with my own self and wonder, why can I never have that type of effect anyone? Why did I have to go to the exten of feeling like I had to settle and think it was going to work and be merry?
Gods, have I been wrong.

This blog wasn't necessarily suppose to be a rant, but this is currently just how I am feeling.br>No, I do not want to go back to him, especially after everything else, I just want to be happy for once and be apreciated without reason...just because the other person wanted to show it.
We shall see how this weekend comes about, I must make arrangements retrieving the rest of my things and such.
Yes, it be time for the religious/path growth and finding one self.  Something to be completely transposed and concentrated upon.
Many blessings to all and forgive the sadness I expressed within this blog.